This is my last post here on dA for quite a while. Recently, I've lost damned near everything and I need to reevaluate my life and what it means to me. I apologize to anyone who was looking forward to something new here shortly, but I have been sapped. Between my girlfriend leaving me a month ago and now the passing of my grandfather, I just don't have a creative bone in my body. It will return eventually, I'm sure, but until then I bid you goodnight.

Things are a pain in the ass these days. I'm starting over again and trying to keep some semblance of what life used to be. I'm struggling with my emotions. My girlfriend "left". Well, more that I left, but it was for reasons beyond my control. There's still a part of me that wants to be with her. A big part of me, but the rest of me tells me that it's best just to walk away. The problem with that is that I can't. I can't and I don't know how. How do you let go of someone so perfect for you? Someone so in tune with everything that you are? Even if sometimes they hurt you? That's the funny thing, I love her still with all I am. She hurts me, but I love her and I want to be with her even if it hurts. The good outweighs the bad in my opinion. I'm just confused more than anything. I know what I need to do and I know what I want. The heart wants what it wants and my heart still wants her no matter what. She won't read this for I don't know how long as she's got no internet right now, but I want to tell her that I DO love her and I always will. There will always be a part of me that can never let go of her and that hurts me more than anything she could ever do to me. I just wish that I could make her see what she means to me and tell her that I would do anything to be with her and I do mean anything. Anything in the world. If I had to, I'd kill. I'd steal. I'd give away all I had if it meant that I could just hold her one more time and kiss her so softly on the lips and tell her I love her. What to do?

It's been 2 weeks since I started my new job. Got my first paycheck today (most of which is already gone, go figure). We finally got our car so I don't have to necessarily walk to and from work now. Of course, go figure, one of the stipulations on getting it was that Herbgurl had to go visit her family. I wish that she could have waited till I had a day off to do it, but she's always been a spur of the moment kind of girl, so I guess it was anticipated (sort of). I still have Mark and Jess to fall back on for a ride to work and (hopefully) a co-worker to get me back home.
Now, all we have to do is get the bills under control. Not too hard and will be easier now that we have a car to get her around to fill out job applications. She's a cook, so online applications are kind of hard to do. Restaurants don't usually do that, or at least none around here anyway that we've seen. I hope that she can get something going job-wise soon. The faster she starts getting paid, the sooner we can get out form under this debt and get to the "good life". I'm not really sure what that is 100%, but it sounds good, so that's what were shooting for. Hell, I'd be happy just to be able to afford a new pair of boots and some socks that don't fall down every 15 minutes. Well, that and a bag of weed, but that's a horse of a different color...

I've noticed that time is a funny thing. Sometimes it flies by (usually when you don't want it to). Sometimes it crawls (also, usually when you don't want it to). I noticed when I walked up to my local pharmacy that the trip up there seemed to take longer than the trip back. It's the same distance both ways, so why is it that it felt longer getting there than getting back. That seems to be the way it always works for me. The return from my destination always seems to take less time than the trip to my destination...
When you're busy, time flies by. When you're bored time drags on forever. A watched pot never boils as they say. Time waits for no man. Etc, etc, etc... I'm obsessed with time and I have a habit of watching the clock on a regular basis, especially when I know that a certain time is approaching (like time for work, especially). I tend to look up at the clock every five or so minutes and I need to have a clock visible at all times (It's OCD, I know, but what can I do?). Not that time has ever really been a friend of mine, but I still have a habit of keeping track of it in detail. I can't help it.
Minutes drag, but months and years fly by. Why is that? I wish I knew.

So, I start work tonight at my new job as an overnight stocker at my local Shop N Save. Not too worried about it as this isn't the first job I've had in this arena. The thing that gets me, though, is that here I am just over 35 and working at a grocery store. I know that work is work and money is money, but it just seems a little "slacker-ish" to me. This is the kind of job that you tend to think of pimply-faced teenagers doing, not a full grown man. Maybe it's just me...
I guess I really shouldn't complain though. Finally, I'm working again and will be making that all important dollar to pay the bills with. It will be good to get those taken care of and out from over our heads (well, at least till the next month's bills get here anyway...). The only real problem is that we don't have a car right now [link] , so I have to get a ride at night from a friend of mine (no real issue there) and walk back from work in the morning (that's the part that sucks because it's a 4.5 mile walk home). I had to walk up there and back this morning to fill out all my tax paperwork and get put into the computer system. Holy crap! An 9 mile hike just to sign my name a half dozen or so times is bullshit. Hopefully we get our "new" car soon and it won't be an issue. Until then, I'll just grin and bear it. Ultimately, I'm happy about it all and refuse to complain about the small stuff too much. I guess, if nothing else, the walk will do me good. Exercise is a good thing, isn't it? Sucks having to walk that far after an 8 hour shift, but luckily the work won't be too hard and the walk will make for a good excuse to go to bed once I get home. Oh well, life continues and struggle and sacrifice is a big part of life, so I'll do it all with a smile on my face.